Is Your Communication Helping—or Hurting—Your Relationship?

In my work providing relationship counseling in Lake Oswego, I often meet individuals and couples who are feeling stuck, hurt, or angry. They come into therapy understandably focused on what their partner, parent, or co-parent is doing wrong. And sometimes… they’re right. The other person does have patterns that are painful or unfair.

But here’s the truth: You can’t change anyone else’s communication.

What you can change—and what can shift an entire relationship—is your own communication style. How you show up matters. If your conversations tend to spiral, or you often feel unseen or unheard, it’s worth asking:

🧭 *Am I being the kind of communicator I would want to talk to?*

Conscious Communication Starts With You

Whether you're in a romantic relationship, a tense family dynamic, or co-parenting with an ex, improving communication begins by looking inward.

Here’s a communication self-check that I use with clients in my Lake Oswego counseling practice. It’s not about blaming yourself. It’s about reclaiming your power and becoming a more effective, emotionally safe communicator—so you can better assess what’s possible in the relationship.

✅ Self-Check: Are You Practicing Conscious Communication?

Emotional Regulation & Tone

·       Do I check in with myself before bringing up a difficult topic?

·       Am I calm, or am I escalating the conversation with tone, volume, or sarcasm?

·       Do I know when to take a break rather than push forward in a heated moment?

Respectful Initiation

·       Do I ask, “Is now a good time to talk?” before launching in?

·       Do I use “I” statements to express my feelings and needs?

·       Do I start with curiosity, or do I lead with blame?

Clarity & Accountability

·       Am I clear about what I need, or am I expecting others to read my mind?

·       Do I avoid criticizing, correcting, or policing the other person’s way of speaking?

·       Can I take responsibility for one small part I played in the dynamic?

Listening & Validation

·       Do I interrupt or jump in to defend myself?

·       Can I reflect back what the other person is saying without trying to fix or argue?

·       Do I let their feelings exist—even if I don’t agree with them?

Repair & Follow-Through

·       Am I willing to say, “That came out wrong—let me try again”?

·       Do I follow through on what I commit to?

·       Am I working on one small habit that helps me be a safer communicator?

What Conscious Communication Is Not

Many people think they’re “just being honest” or “saying how they feel”—but there’s a difference between self-expression and emotional dumping. Conscious communication doesn’t mean:

✖ Venting without consent
✖ Criticizing or diagnosing the other person (“You’re so controlling” or “You always gaslight me”)
✖ Demanding resolution when emotions are high
✖ Repeating the same conflict without change

Instead, it starts with self-awareness and takes responsibility for tone, timing, and clarity.

Tying It All Together: ADHD, Trauma, and Communication

Unregulated communication often has deeper roots.

People with ADHD may struggle to pause before reacting, get overwhelmed by too much emotional input, or lose track of what they were trying to say. Similarly, those with unresolved trauma may feel unsafe during conflict and default to old protective patterns—shutting down, escalating, or trying to control.

In my work as a counselor in Lake Oswego, I help clients notice these patterns with compassion—not shame. Healing begins when we can say:

“I want to communicate differently because I care—not because I’m broken.”

Free Resource: Communication Self-Check Download

Ready to reflect on your communication style in a deeper way?

👉 Download your free Conscious Communication Checklist here:
https://chat.openai.com/sandbox:/mnt/data/Conscious_Communication_Blog_Checklist.docx

Use this as a weekly reflection tool, a journaling prompt, or even as a starting point for conversations with your partner or family member.

Ready to Communicate More Clearly and Compassionately?

If you’re navigating tension with a partner, family member, or co-parent, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy or relationship counseling in Lake Oswego, I offer a supportive, structured space to help you reconnect—with yourself and others.

Let’s begin with what you can control. The rest will follow.

👉 Schedule a consultation today and start building communication that brings clarity, not conflict.