Simple Strategy: Ask Permission
Ugh, those words bring back feelings of being a kid, right? Ask your parents’ permission to go to a friend’s house, to go to a party, to …. As adults, we often feel we no longer need to ask permission for things in life, because we are old enough to make our own decisions. Not true!
What about communication? Most of us want to have good relationships with our partners, with our kids, and with our friends. So relationally, asking permission is slightly different.
For example, your son is struggling with his friend and is complaining and upset. Your instinctive response might be to say something like “don’t be upset, it’s no big deal” or “he’s just being unkind, ignore him” or even something positive like “just talk to them and tell them how you feel.” On one hand, yes this could be helpful to your son. But what is missing are two key factors — empathy and asking whether they would even like your advice or opinion. WHAT?!@?
What if you were to take a minute, to say “Buddy, that must be really difficult; it’s frustrating figuring other kids out” AND “I’m here for you. Would you like some help with that?” This gives your developing social being a chance to figure things out himself, shows you believe in him, and for you to begin to move into the ever important role of “coach” in your kid’s life as he grows and develops. Sometimes your son (especially as they approach the teens years) will say “No thanks, I got this, I was just venting,” and maybe other times he might want to hear what you have to say or need your advice. The key is you are not trying to solve his problems, and again, you are giving him the opportunity to try it himself.
Now let’s move on to adults! Recently with the political upheaval and pandemic challenges, we have encountered more than ever, varying opinions on what is true, right, just, logical and/or appropriate. And what is happening in our world? Often we are fighting. We feel the need to take our stand and voice our perspective. Yet, how often are you offering your opinion to others, without even knowing if they want to hear it? Maybe the cashier at the store doesn’t care, or maybe your friend has had a rough time of things with their teenager, and they don’t need to hear someone feeding them one more way to do things.
And even with our partners or friends… It’s easy to justify that those close to you will want to hear your opinion! You give great advice! He definitely needs to hear how to properly recycle those cans, or how she should wear her hair, or how your friend should be more respectful of her aging parent. But how often are you getting into trouble because you overstepped your bounds, your spouse said you are overbearing, or your friend didn’t talk to you for a week because what you expressed about how to manage her 6 year old’s temper tantrums was not welcomed advice.
So here is my advice…umm….I mean, would you like to hear my advice?
If you said yes, here it is. Start asking people if they would like to hear what you have to say or think on the subject!! What a concept. “Sally, would you like to hear what I did with my 6 yr old when she was having fits in public?” “John, can I show you an easier way to recycle those cans?” And “Bobby, would you like to hear my opinion on why your friend is mad at you?” By just asking, you are giving your friend, partner, son or daughter time to think about whether they can handle a situation themselves, and you are showing them the respect of knowing they are quite capable in life and don’t always need your input. And if they do, THEY are the ones in control of asking for it (and they will feel good about that!).
Just ask others if you can offer your advice or opinion. The worst they can say is no! And yes, you can handle that!